A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A Forty dollar speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of Forty dollars. The police responded with another mailed photo....of handcuffs.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 5 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

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Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. They left the machine there, with the chain still attached and the bumper still attached to the chain. And you guessed it, their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

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Emily Sue passed away and Earl called 911. The 911 operator told Earl that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Earl replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The 911 operator asked, "Can you spell that for me? There was a long pause and finally Earl said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up over there?"

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A middle-aged police officer named Frank (nicknamed Kojak) was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the other officers who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness. One morning in the briefing room, a particularly brash rookie cop had the gall to run his hand across Frank's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming to everyone in attendance: "Feels just like my wife's ass." All the cops chuckled. With a look of genuine curiosity, officer Frank rubbed his hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does!"

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A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A police officer arrived on the scene almost immediately and pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began to put up a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the paramedics. Later, when he was calm, the cop asked him why he struggled so much. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'"

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It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early your Honor," replied the defendant. "That's no offence," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," the prisoner replied.

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A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a Twenty-dollar bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the Twenty-dollar bill on the counter with his fingerprints. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.

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A bloke called Martin, was in his favorite pub and his dog was tied to the lamp-post outside. A Constable strolled in and said, "Martin, your dog is in heat." Martin answered, "If you had her coat on, you'd be hot too!" The Constable said, "I don't mean it like that, I mean she needs sex!" So Martin says, "Well give it to her then! The missus always wanted a police dog.

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A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F#$%-UP! For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he was about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxx-up!

Do You Play Half Life?If so, Join our Police Clan

A new deputy for a small town was writing up his first police report one day following a minor traffic accident. He submitted the following report to the Sheriff. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on both her tits." The chief scolded the new deputy, saying, "We don't use words like "tits" when filing a police report. If this got into the papers the town would have my ass in a sling. Cross that shit out and write something more appropriate!" The young officer thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Sheriff the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o )."

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Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, brab some booze and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

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As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

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Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty." The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

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Two police officers went into a local diner while on break and ordered two sodas. Not having put that much OT in, they each brought their own sandwiches from home and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and quickly marched over and told them, "Look, I'll let you guys have a meal on the house every now and then because my customers feel safe when you're around, but you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The cops looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

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A young police officer was having his annual departmental physical and was very embarrassed because of his weight problem. "I'm so ashamed, doctor," he said, "I've been eating way too many donuts lately. Every time I stop at Dunkin Donuts, the girl there gives me and my partner and extra free donut. I guess I kind of let myself go a little." The police physician was checking his eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, you don't look that bad." "Do you really think so, Doc?" he asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of his face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say "Moo!"

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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

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A policeman noticed a car swerving all over the road and proceeded to pull the vehicle over. He could tell the guy was obviously drunk because of the strong alcohol smell on his breath while he was asking for his license and registration. The cop said, "Okay! out of the car buddy, you're drunk!" The driver said, slurring his words, "Thank goodness for that, I thought my steering had gone on me."

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A woman goes into a local police station to report one of her children missing. The detective asks her a series of routine missing child questions then proceeds to ask the child's name. "Leroy" she responds. "Do you have any other children Miss?" "Yes, ten other boys" she responds. "And what are their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy" "All your sons are named Leroy? Why on earth would you name them all Leroy?" "She says, "Well that way, when I want them to come in from the yard I just yell LEROY, and when I want them to come to dinner I just yell LEROY!" "Well" asks the detective, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I call him by his last name," she answers.

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An elderly couple was driving cross-country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE WANTS TO SEE YOUR LICENSE." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once, had the worst sex with a woman I have ever had." The woman turns to her husband and asks "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

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A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk. "I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies. "So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".

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A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse." But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out. When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" "Why, officer?" the woman asked. "Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse." The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness! I left the baby on the bus!"

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A Texas State Trooper pulls over a speeding car with a pretty blonde at the wheel. The trooper, being in a rather good mood that day, approached the vehicle and said, "Howdy mam, where y'all from?" The irritated New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The Texas trooper thought quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where y'all from..., bitch?"

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It seems there was a woman who received some bad news. Her husband had been in an automobile accident and was brain dead. The doctor told her some good news, though. They had perfected their brain transplant technique and that she was lucky there were three fresh brains in the brain bank from which to choose. A large explosion had killed a policeman, a captain and a chief. Having insurance, she requested the cost for each of the brains. The policeman's brain was ,000, the captain's brain was ,000 and the chief's was a ,000! Curious, she asked why the chief's brain was so much more expensive. The reply.... "you see the chief's brain has never been used!"

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